Q. Fifty-nine and single for over a year. I would love to have a relationship. I am dating. I am not unattractive!!! But, I can’t seem to get to that third date with a guy that I like. What am I missing?
A. You might be missing an honest judgment of your dating “behavior”. You need to watch yourself on the date. Like looking at yourself through a one-way mirror. Be objective and see what needs attention.
Are you: #1- a Drama Queen? Always in some emotional need or always having some kind of immediate problem. Do you drink too much? Do you leave your date exhausted?
#2- Negative and Desperate? You don’t have to say a word. Men can feel it. Dating should be fun for both. An adventure with no strings attached. Just because he called you back, doesn’t mean anything but that he’d had a good first date. Being clingy, having a negative attitude or starting to plan your next date, can turn him off. Lighten up! Let the man manage the relationship.
#3- Always right? Is it your way all the time? You never admit you are wrong? His fault? Some women just have to be the winner. This will eat into his ego and he won’t want your company. You need to take time to understand another’s point of view. Or just be a good listener.
#4- Is it all about your work? Are you a workaholic? Do you lighten up on the dates? Or is it all about “you” and your job? Become more interesting by having other things going on: book club, film night, ball game, dressing up for Halloween. Family and grandkids can get tiring after awhile, so keep it in the entertainment areas.
#5- Hanging on to your emotional baggage? Get over it or you will surely be single for a long time. Are you ready to date? Maybe you need to join a group or see a shrink! If you have been married for a long time, now single, and have been thrown into the dating world, you need professional help; friends can only help so far. Don’t date until you are ready.
#6- Poor Hygiene? Men are not into bad teeth, bad breathe, body odor, body hair, being too thin or over weight (most men like a nice body), too much make-up or no make-up. Their date is a reflection of them. Most cases you won’t even get to a second date on this one!
#7- Talking too much! Offering him too much information early on–“all about you”, leaves him overwhelmed. Some mystery is good. Keep some aspects of your life secret, leaving him to want more. And again, give him a chance to talk. Sometimes, this is just a nervous habit…check it out. And sometimes, it’s just that you haven’t talked to anyone for a while–single women living alone can find themselves in need of a listener, someone to share things with especially complaints. Often it’s just a small thing, but when these small things add up, they become tiring to hear. Call a friend and share before your date.
#8- Sex? If you are looking for a long-term relationship, this could be the deal breaker. Sex on the first date does not put you in good light with your man. He will see you as being “too easy”, and if he’s looking for a long-term relationship, this is not what he wants. We can mistake sex for love. Sex is sex, a pleasurable experience; maybe holding back early on will keep him interested. In the screenplay writer’s world, if you give the audience the “hot” sex scene early in the movie, the audience gets bored with the rest of the film. Think about all those romantic comedies out there.
BOTTOM LINE: How you carry yourself–your “attitude” is key. This comes with personal growth and confidence.
